We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
