what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
