my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
