Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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