what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
