Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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