Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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