I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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