Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
