his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
