In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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