Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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