i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
