I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
