Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
