I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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