I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
