you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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