when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Houston, we have a blender
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
