Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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