he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
