I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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