eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
