I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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