I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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