My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
