I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize