Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
