my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
