The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
