brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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