if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
