Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
