You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
