And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
