Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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