"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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