I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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