An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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