You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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