my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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