Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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