My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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