My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
