Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
