Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
