I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
