all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
