Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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