don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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