my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
