Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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