her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
