I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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