i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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