I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
