So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
